I hadn’t been happy up there in a long time. I was partying too much to cover all the hurt, but when you wake up sober, it STILL hurts. I attempted to fill my life with friends, drinks and guys. none of it worked. I didn’t want to be in that place anymore. the place that i felt like stole my last years with my father. 

I remember that phone call with my sister so vividly. I NEEDED to be home with my family, friends and eventually make my way to where I am now.

Here I am, years later and still facing the hurt from all those years ago. September 6 will be 5 years since my dad died, september 7 I turn 26. I still struggle with the “DO I try to have fun and fail” or “do i sit and ignore the world”. who knows what this year will look like, all I know is I’m trying to heal and mourn. still.

Yes, I know its ok to be sad and miss him sometimes. I honestly feel like I do ok most of the rest of the year but come fall, i lose it. Maybe its from attempting to hold all the sadness back the rest of the year. I do know its not nearly as bad as it has been in years past.

I know God has me dealing with this for a reason. I just can’t quite put my finger on it yet.  I’ve seen God use this situation time and time again and He is not done using it yet. I sat down to write this in excitement, and end up in awe of GOD yet again. As it should be =) Any time I feel alone I remember HE is there, reguardless the time of day, the setting, the weather. He is, always and forever.

First of all, I’ve lost 20 lbs in the 7 weeks i’ve been taking better care of myself! That’s such a huge deal for me! and it puts me almost halfway to my goal weight!!!!  I’ve been eating more veggies and fruit, staying away from bread and sugar, quit drinking sodas and coffee ( which is extremely hard being that I’m a barista! ha!)  So far so good! My clothes are fitting better and better by the day. Yes, i am going to the gym. I TRY for at least 3 days a week, but sometimes its less sometimes its more. Just depends on how busy I get.

Second, I’m blogging from my newly aquired OFFICE! Up until a few weeks ago this room was floor to ceiling with JUNK. Now, its quite the little space for working on stuff for my bible study classes and my new business( i’ll get to that a little later).  I had a few friends over to help with some things in the yard and my kitchen and we ended up totally overhauling a room that i don’t ever know if i’ve seen not full of stuff! (I’m staying at my 95 yr old grandmother’s house and its got many years worth of hers and other people’s stuff!) Slowly but surely, i’m cleaning rooms out and getting them live-able.  Its really nice to have a house that actually feels like is sort of mine, rather than just having my room yah know?

Third- Boston was AWESOME! I really love that city and the people there! I hope I get to return in the fall! We’ll see what God says between now and then.

Fourth- I’ve recently become a Mary Kay beauty consultant! I feel like this opportunity is an anwser to prayer for more consistant work. Even with 2 jobs, i’m struggling to make ends meet. and I don’t have very many “ends”. Its a way to supplement the income i’m not making elsewhere.  On top of that, the company is faith based, so i’ll get to spend time serving with women who believe the same thing I do!  That’s been the hardest part of working where I do.

I also started video blogging on my youtube account! (ok, right now its just one video, but i plan to record more soon! ) so if you want to keep up with me on there its Here  !  I have a total of 5 subscribers right now, but thats ok. lol

I hope all is well with you guys! =)

Mark 16:15-18

 Its about that time of year again. We leave for boston in 5 weeks and 6 days. I think i’m more excited about this trip than the last because I understand the format of what we are going to do. Evangelism is a big word for talking to people about Christ with hopes of salvation. Last trip, God showed up BIG TIME. Did things we never expected infront of our faces. It’ll be the same this time too.  Funny thing, you ask for God’s presense and BOOM, He’s there.

My heart for this place has evolved so much since the last trip. I’ve found myself writing for hours at a time in prayers for these people, that city and the church we have been in partnership with since 2009.  I still remember the first time we walked in, and the way it smelled. This church is beautiful!

I need help in prayer and fundraising! PLEASE pray for us as we prepare to go to Boston. We will be on the front lines talking to people about God. We are going to a college campus, harvard square (where i got mistake for a homeless person last trip! ha.) and Quincy market. all 3 can be difficult and there is a pretty dark covering on this city in general.  Also, pray we all remain in good health standing!  Last time several of us were pretty under the weather!

As far as fundraising goes, i’m HOPING 70 people will each donate 10$ to fulfill the need for the trip!  as of right now i have 2 people’s funds and 3 other’s commitment to help! So If you’re willing to give up a trip to the movies or 2 drinks at starbucks you can donate here.

Thanks so much for reading this! =)

I think of the story of the Samaritan woman. (John 4) And that was ME. I was stuck in so much trash, in a place where I believed there was no hope and God said OK, TARA FOLLOW ME. I pray every day that the things I was living in will be used to effect lives around me so, here I am.

³⁹Many Samaritans from that town believed in him because of the woman’s testimony, “He told me all that I ever did.” ⁴⁰So when the Samaritans came to him, they asked him to stay with them, and he stayed there two days. ⁴¹And many more believed because of his word. ⁴²They said to the woman, “It is no longer because of what you said that we believe, for we have heard for ourselves, and we know that this is indeed the Savior of the world.”

How can I believe in God when so many bad things have happened? Honestly, this one can be hard to grasp at times. When Nathan died, i was MAD. flat out angry. How could God let the only man that even attempted to get me to seek him die, at 16? Now I see his death was out of the sorrow and depression that lives in this world. Suicide is not of God. The thoughts that lead you to that are not of God. Christ brings JOY not sorrow, SHATTERS chains not bounds them to you.

My dad died the day before I turned 21…. This one has somewhat continued to be a struggle because I have no choice but to see that day every year and remember the emotions that now come along with what used to be a day of celebration. I can say that without his death, in that time I definitely would NOT be where I am now. I can say that that event pushed me towards God because I had lost all hope at that point.

One year later, I moved back to Houston because of events that aren’t worth mentioning but weren’t fun to be in. I literaly ran away from my past. I look at that now and see that if i hadn’t i’d still be on that path. I LOVE the people I used to spend that time with, but I do not miss the things we would do. I don’t miss the bars or the drugs. 

I believe in God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit because I have seen all 3 do miraculous things in front of my eyes and in the lives of those around me. Read the blogs about Boston last summer or fall for full testimonies. Healings, people with the same EXACT past, transformed lives.

One story from our trip that i’m not sure i’ve shared before is about this homeless guy… he was drunk out of his mind and probably on a couple of other drugs as well. He kept hitting people in Harvard square. For some reason, I knew i was supposed to pray for him… well at one point he left and came back with a beer… so I prayed that he’d break the bottle. Sure enough, he fell down and dropped the brown paper bag… but nothing shatters. I felt a little defeated in the fact that it was a CAN and not a BOTTLE. but when he opened it, the contents exploded all over him and the ground around him.  HOLY SPIRIT IS ALIVE and If you believe in Christ, He lives in you!

I could tell you 10 or more stories of similar actions. Those testimonies are every day realities of what God does, can do, and will do IF you surrender you life to Him. Belief in Him is the first step, actually USING the gift He’s given is the next.  Its being in tune with what God says, how He speaks to you and acting upon it. I call it RADICAL OBEDIENCE. (If you read anything else I’ve written it’s NEVER this one track, just sayin’. and if you think i get up this early on my day off for fun you’re nuts!)

I believe in God BECAUSE He’s redeemed my life and turned it into something new, HE’s healer, HE’s someone I am in a solid relationship with. It took SEEING those things with my own eyes to surrender and live all out seeking after Christ but let my life be a lesson to you, who ever you are, where ever you are.

He is bigger than addictions, lust, death, hurt, not so great parents, betrayal, whatever the world has sent your way. He can and will conquor them if you let Him.

Isaiah 40:31

³¹ but those who trust in the LORD
    will renew their strength; 
    they will soar on wings like eagles; 
    they will run and not grow weary;
    they will walk and not faint.

^{1 CORINTHIANS 13:4-7}

⁴ Love is patient;  love is kind. Love does not envy; is not boastful; is not conceited;

    ⁵ does not act improperly; is not selfish;  is not provoked; does not keep a record of wrongs;

    ⁶ finds no joy in unrighteousness, but rejoices in the truth; ⁷ bears all things, believes all things,

    hopes all things, endures all things. ⁸ Love never ends.

   First of all, I love that this word comes to me amidst a bit of a shake up with the ministry I am pouring myself into. A situation that makes it HARD to love the way that verse says to. 

Second, Because GOD is LOVE (1 John 4:7-8) you can replace HIS mighty name with love in this piece. GOD is patient, GOD is kind, GOD does not envy or boast. GOD NEVER FAILS

I’ll be really honest, the first time i heard this I had no idea it was a verse, if I had I’d have probably not taken it to heart as much. It was the summer after a good friend had committed suicide, I was in Houston for the first time since we moved to Spokane and I was watching A Walk To Remember with my best friend. Loving people has always been my thing, in my younger years often searching and finding it in the wrong places inevitably getting hurt along the way, so hearing that LOVE NEVER FAILED was an ideal picture of marriage . At that point in the movie, Mandy Moore’s character is dying but ends up getting married in the same church her parents did. I was 16, and that thought gave me HOPE. False hope, as I spent more time after that seeking “love” and attention in all the wrong people.

I see this now and it means so much more. God is the same yesterday, today and always. He WILL NOT FAIL US. He loves us so much that He sent His only Son to DIE for us in a way so brutal we can’t even really fathom it today.

It’s a love bigger than we can humanly imagine. Bigger than parental love, relational love and even the love of a new marriage. Verse 5 says this LOVE does not keep record of wrong doing. We, as humans, can forgive but FORGETTING wrong doings is almost always impossible. Someone hurts you, you get over it but you still remember that they did whatever and are more distant afterwards. Christ can overcome any situation IF you let Him have it.

My thoughts on this are coming so clearly it ridiculous at this hour. I got woken up to not only share this but to challenge myself and those reading this to SHOW THAT KIND OF LOVE.

Be Patient more; be more kind; envy less (that one can take over your life QUICK); do not be boastful or conceited, act with dignity; be less selfish; forgive and FORGET;do not reward sin, and rejoice when it is overcome; bear more of others burdens; let belief be solidly founded in what the Bible says;  do not grow weary; and do your best not to fail those around you.

All that being said, Tell those who mean the world to you that you love them. You never know when someone needs to know they are cared about and  those 3 little words can change lives. BUT MEAN IT. Do not say I love you as if it were your favorite band or cereal. Make it count.

Things are CRAZY. I have 2 jobs, do a lot with church and attempt to spend some time with friends in between.

I feel like there are so many things i could say and update but the main thing to know is that God is moving. Big time.

Journey weekend this year was rad. I ended up with Juniors but had 2 freshmen. I love the 6 of those girls so much! I got to take them down to Discovery Green to do a little evangelism.  I still talk to most of them regularly so its cool.

prayer meetings have gotten intense. (not that they aren’t always) but we are praying corporately more often and its really impacting things.

Today we were supposed to go do outreach at DG but no one showed up other than myself and my best friend. So we decided to take the day and go down town and check some places out. we went to central market, whole foods , agora and then ate at Katz’s. over all it was a blast. I ment to take photos along the way but i forgot. lol 

Also, i’m looking for some good vegan/gluten free/vegetarian recipes!

My sign said GOD IS LOVE. simple. *let me preface this story with the fact that I was sick the entire time we were in town and have no voice at this point. *  So I’m standing there praying for someone to come talk to me. after a while this guy comes up to me, asks if I’ve seen Henry (YES I LOOK LIKE A LOCAL!) “You know the guy with the dreadlocks… Are you homeless?” as he points to the area where the homeless people are sleeping…. I tell him I’m from texas, DO in fact have a home and don’t know Henry.  I wasn’t sure if being offended was the right reaction or not… and then I realized God has a sense of humor.

A little while later a really tall guy walks straight at me, gives me a giant hug and a kiss on the cheek and saus YES HE IS HUNNY! then walks away. 

Thursday night I had a round of  really dark dreams. One of them involved a man dressed in black with a mask on that had a skull on it…  That night a man with a skull mask and a small pumpkin is circling us…. multiple people are praying for this guy. At one point he comes close to me and acts as if he’s going to throw his pumpkin at me. he walks around a couple more times and comes and stands less than a foot away from me, looks into my eyes and states for a good minute or so. the whole time i’m saying JESUS, JESUS, JESUS and maintained eye contact. his eyes rolled back and he walked away very quickly.  I am certain this man was under demon possession. 

He came in pretty close contact with others on our team, and eventually after we prayed over him for a while he disappeared into the subway station.

I saw these things with my own eyes. I saw God move LITERALLY in front of my face last week. This isn’t the only story I have to tell but its the one most on my heart right now.

In the last few weeks God’s done a real number on my heart.  Prayer is one area i’ve really struggled in my walk. I truly lacked the confidence in my “mode”. for me, writing is much easier than sitting down and just PRAYING.  i’m not knocking written prayer one bit, but there is importance in participation in corporate prayer.

every sunday night our youth group has prayer meetings. its different than any other prayer service i’ve been to, and its really transforming lives. Mine included.  Really though, its the Holy Spirit taking ahold of hearts and lives. literally infront of our faces.

There are not enough words in the world to actually explain what happens at these meetings, its a different experience every week and for each person.  All I know is that’s where i’m spending my sunday nights! 

In other news, Work is really awesome. Small group is doing Forgotten God and it’s wrecking my life (and also totally coinsides with the prayer meeting stuff). Boston is in 6 weeks and 1 day!!!!  i’ve fallen in love with praise music again. Actually, i think that its just being in an attitude of worship constantly and those little moments with music intensify it. 

it’s so strange to see so many things start changing NOW when  i’ve been going to church for 3 years now and doing the things i thought i should be doing. The Holy Spirit takes it all to a new level.

(side note: I’m at starbucks and some guys came in and sat right next to me even though the entire store is empty other than me…. Creepers)

Why Boston? Because it’s lost the Gospel.  Its historic, beautiful and without a doubt where God is telling me to go. 

Why not a foreign country? Well, i can’t say i’ll never felt led to go to one but as of now I don’t feel called to go.

This trip will be so different from the last. Last time, we worked on the church itself. this time we’re working on the people. straight up face to face evangelism. yes in the states. Scared? i am.  But i think thats the place God wants  me to be in order to fully rely on HIM to make this trip what it should be. I’m preparing the only ways i know how…. Prayer, bible study and conversation with others.

If you’re reading this I’m asking for your prayer support on this mission trip. If you feel inclined to financially support me or any of the others on my team comment and i will get you the information that you need!  This is a VERY dark city and every prayer helps. Pray for revival in this city and for Redeemer Fellowship .  Pray for the physical, mental and financial expenses that will be involved with this trip!

Have you ever had one of those days where you knew the entire time you were in the EXACT place you were meant to be? That was today. I ended up being off work somehow, and I went to church, well rested but for some weird reason I couldn’t find any notes to take down or anything really. After church we had Meals for Missions at Theresa’s house. It was just relaxed. We ate, and played “forks”, sang a song or 2 and then parted ways for the most part. I ended up hanging there til 6ish when we headed to Sugar Creek Baptist in Sugarland for a prayer meeting.

I cannot describe the events of the evening as there aren’t enough words to scratch the surface of how things went. It was truly a life changing event. I can say that for one other for sure. One of our friends dedicated her life to the Lord tonight and just being there to see it was incredible. I don’t know that i’ve ever been around when thats happened other than VBS and Journey weekend. I ended up with10 pages of prayers, well sort of, some were phrases others said, or verses that were read aloud, others were lyrics and very personal thoughts. Its not fluid at all, but it was what I feeling, what hit a string and where my mind was in that exact moment.

My eyes hurt from crying on and off for 3 hours last night.

I sat in 2 services today with zero comment. I walked in here and the emotion flooded in. let this room break me down tonight. Let me leave here changed Lord, I don’t want to be the person I was when I walked in here. Lord show me how and where my path leads, at least for today.

There were many more pages of notes, but they don’t really have any need to be on here for the world to see. So much changed last week for me. All it took was the presence of the Lord for this little light to go off in my head. I gained something i’ve been missing for WAY too long. Joy. It seemed to have gotten lost in the mix of getting sick, losing my job, the difficulty that comes with everyday life. I left that room RENEWED in mind, and soul.  I know that my heart and head are both finally in the same place again.

On another note, the begining stages of mission:community are going Xtremely well!

and one of my best friends is looking a wedding dresses, another is going to Korea for 3.5 weeks and the 3rd is fresh off a mission trip! God is doing crazy awesome things in our lives and I LOVE it. Somedays  I wonder how I got so close with them because we are all so different and then i remember that God brought us together for HIS plan.