I remember being out celebrating one of my friend’s 22nd birthday. We were at dinner and out of no where i just KNEW. I knew I was supposed to come back to Texas from Washington state. It was almost a year after my dad died, my nephew was turning 2, my neice was 5 or 6 and my other neice was less than a year old and i’d never met her. I missed them! I MISSED my family. I wanted to be around people who understood how i felt, the hurt and anger in dealing with my dad dying. (years later I realize, we all mourn differently, and none of them has to deal with the fact that he died literaly the day before my birthday) .
I hadn’t been happy up there in a long time. I was partying too much to cover all the hurt, but when you wake up sober, it STILL hurts. I attempted to fill my life with friends, drinks and guys. none of it worked. I didn’t want to be in that place anymore. the place that i felt like stole my last years with my father.
I remember that phone call with my sister so vividly. I NEEDED to be home with my family, friends and eventually make my way to where I am now.
Here I am, years later and still facing the hurt from all those years ago. September 6 will be 5 years since my dad died, september 7 I turn 26. I still struggle with the “DO I try to have fun and fail” or “do i sit and ignore the world”. who knows what this year will look like, all I know is I’m trying to heal and mourn. still.
Yes, I know its ok to be sad and miss him sometimes. I honestly feel like I do ok most of the rest of the year but come fall, i lose it. Maybe its from attempting to hold all the sadness back the rest of the year. I do know its not nearly as bad as it has been in years past.
I know God has me dealing with this for a reason. I just can’t quite put my finger on it yet. I’ve seen God use this situation time and time again and He is not done using it yet. I sat down to write this in excitement, and end up in awe of GOD yet again. As it should be =) Any time I feel alone I remember HE is there, reguardless the time of day, the setting, the weather. He is, always and forever.
