live.laugh.love

welll, one of my roommates is getting married in 47 DAYS and since i happen to have a lot of free time on hand i’m helping her with wedding plans, appointments, ideas.  I’ve found some really cool stuff!

boy does this remind a single girl she’s single! not that i generally mind, because i have enough people around all the time that i don’t need the emotional stress of a relationship added to life at this point. but looking at wedding stuff makes yah want to plan your own for sure!

i stillll don’t have a job, its been 3 weeks (ugh!) i’ve applied at like 5000000 places… ok, not literally, but i have sent out at least 150 resumes in 3 weeks…not to mention the “job searches” you have to do for unemployment. which kicks in this week FINALLY so i can pay some of my bills… =/ some because unemployment doesn’t pay much at alllllll. but its better than nothing and it’ll totally help.

in other news, i go back to the dr. on 11/11. hopefully that’ll  be the last time i have to go for my feet!!! they’re def. healing and not very pretty to look at which makes me sad since i loved my feet so much before this whole ordeal.   but the diabetes dr. has yet to call me…. and if i were taking the Metformin like they said i should have been, i’d def. need a refill by now… but i’m not. lol i’m trying my best to control this with diet and as soon as i can walk better, excersize. to me that makes more sense than taking a drug without instructions.

For the first time since i’ve been old enough to have a job I don’t… Thats right, i’m officially unemployed for the first time  ever.  I knew i’d been missing days at work/coming in late/leaving early quite a bit, but for the most part my work was caught up and taken care of. Its kinda sad news but i got the feeling it was coming a while ago.

Now I’m faced with decisions. do i file for unemployment? how am i going to pay rent on the 1st, not to mention all the other bills i have? Emergency fund! welll, that’d totally work if majority of that hadn’t been depleeted with doctors visits, labs and 90$ perscriptions…  I know God has something big in store with this, maybe i’m supposed to take this time to heal, find a job baking or maybe even go back to school. but i know right now, going on  a job interview when i can’t even wear shoes would look a little silly.  i’m sure i could find retail jobs, but it’d take SEVERAL of them to keep me afloat at this point… and right now, i can barely stand long enough to get from the car to the house and vise versa.  I’d rather not go back to retail full time, but if thats what i have to do, thats what i have to do…

Things were getting tight already with the medical bills, this makes things even more difficult…. I need to find a job within the next few days in order to have a paycheck in hand for rent….  I’m trying really hard to find the positive in this, but at this point i’m worried there might not be anything….

The possibilities are endless Tara. You can get your dream job if you look hard enough and show someone in the right area you have potential.  I want to bake more than anything else in the world.  I’m pretty ok at it, I love the people aspect of it…. Its just such a long shot with no real experience….

Can i be a party planner?? that’d be a blast too! think those people who put together 16th birthday parties on MTV, or put the right people in the right place for red carpet events… now i’m just daydreaming…

eitherway, if you want to comission me to do some work for you holla! or if you’ve heard of some realllly great reception job that’d work too….

So i’ve been feeling pretty crap-tastic the last couple weeks, and after 14 hours at the scary county hospital we have the culprit.

Type 2 diabetes

This runs in my family so its not that big of a shocker but its still pretty sucky. Its gonna take some time to get used to the pills and testing and the what to eat when thing is still kinda messing with me. but its only day 3, i’ll get better at it.

i do not suggest county hospitals, moral of the story= GET HEALTH INSURANCE. too bad my company doesn’t have decent insurance anyway, so medical bills are a new thing to add to my plate… once i get healed up i’m prob. gonna try to find a 2nd job, something part time where i just work friday nights and saturdays for extra $$. (this is the first point where i ALMOST with i’d stayed at old navy… ALMOST).

14 hours in the ER gave us some pretty interesting moments and a couple inside jokes! Holla to t-train for keepin’ a girl company in the mess of waiting, getting blood drawn (x3) and x-rays. also i’m SO SO very greatful for those who were praying for me cuz there is NO way at alll i’d have maintained the level of calm i had sunday.

On a side note, there is a man in my life that i love dearly and am very greatful for at this point, he’s pretty much the best man i’ve ever known and he makes me smile. no its not like THAT. we’re friends, close ones and he’s one of the few i trust with everything but he’s so stellar i felt the need to blog about him.

so i turned 24 a week ago. it doesn’t feel any different. but i was thinking about how much has changed in the last year. it was about the time i got baptized, moved out on my own for the first time (and still haven’t had to move back in with family or anything yet!! thank heavens!),  my thought process has totally changed. its so weird and strange. i’m an adult. i guess i have been for a while now but its kinda just starting to set in. I go to bed early, and get up early. even on most weekends! I want to be a kid forever. one at the point where you can have fun but have no responsibility.

My birthday was particularly harder this year than the last 2.  My dad died September 6, 2006. my 21st birthday was the next day, rather than celebrating i spent a teary eyed night on the porch with my little sister, mandie and a couple of the neighbors. we spent that week hectically driving back and forth from Livingston for the viewing and funeral. One year later on September 6th, i was on a plane moving 3 suitcases full of everything i could fit in them back here to Houston. One year later i was moving into my first place. The last couple years had distractions. this year, it hit hard. really hard. Thank heavens for Danek. He really took time away from the things he had going on to spend with me, and even threw my karaoke birthday party! I’m SO incredibly blessed by the people in my life.

this weekend was the 1 year anniversary of IKE. that stupid hurricane  IKEd up a lot of stuff. some is back to normal, some stuff never will be.  about this time last year we had no power, we were getting ice and water from a red cross distribution center around the corner, and we were cleaning up my sisters house, my grandma’s house and Galen’s.

a group of us went to paint at camp Tejas this weekend and on the drive i had time to think about how different life is. the relationships around me have changed drastically.  i’m close to people i didn’t even know at this point a year ago. my girls that i promised i’d stay single with are getting engaged and pregnant. So is my baby sister. I think i’m finally ok with the changes. although i do get a little tired of being one of the single ones, as i’m sure allll the single people do.

So tonight i went to the gym for the first time in over 2 years! Crazy stuff! i think as long as i stay motivated this has promise.  Don’t worry i’m not doing this because i want to be super model thin or anything because that’d never happen for one, and some people aren’t meant to be super models.

This is for me. its something i’ve thought about for a while, and its something i loved when i did it before. Its a way to de-stress and just kinda chill from a day at work. I want to be able to chase my kids around when i have them, and i don’t want to die at 50 like my dad. its about time i took care of myself! 

So i’ll prob update about workouts and stuff on here from time to time! =)

What else is new?! Oh yeah! theresa and i decided in effort to keep our mind off of guys we’re fasting from all talk of them on sundays! I made a budget! (A more strict one than ever before) and i plan to keep up with it. and i’m starting to look into the testing i need to do to go to school (and all the studying its going to take for me to pass them). I’d like to go back in spring, but i gotta work out the $$, the schedule and the whole WHAT i want to do thing. but hopefully it’ll fall into place.

One more thing! i’m helping lead a 5th and 6th grade girls bible study on sunday mornings now! that starts this week so hopefully i’m prepaired enough to handle it! expecially since the leader lady didn’t tell me what we’re doing ha!

I’m starting to become one grumpy lady…

I see the things those around me have, have had in the past or aspire to and just get frustrated with myself. Where is my path leading? to sitting in an office all day, every day for the rest of my life. Alone.

It seems to be the season of relationships, marriges and pregnancies. even crushes… and i don’t have any of it. yeah, i’m feeling a little left out.. (ok, maybe not on the pregnancy front, i’m ok with no babies for now.) for the first time in as long as i can remember i don’t have a guy i’m into. its a very strange place for me…. I’m so used to being giddy when i see who ever the flavor of the week was…. i don’t really get giddy anymore.

I got a call from our pastor a few weeks ago asking if i was depressed. it was honestly one of the most embarassing things ever. I have depression issues from time to time. its a cycle, there are dark days and lighter ones. this time in my life is no darker than any time up to now, in fact even surviviing the summer this year surprised me this time through. but when it got brought up nothing was out of the ordinary. it wasn’t one of the weeks i spent asleep any time i wasnt at work or dealing with another obligation. It was a pretty average week…. i don’t get why people are concerned now, when i’m doing ok rather than a few weeks ago when i was facing some very dark days 100% on my own. I didn’t have anyone to talk to… not that i really trust people at this point anyway

I’m sort of at a loss for a voice right now. I cant stand up for myself, i can’t chose anything at all some days…  its so frustrating..

So We’re studying Romans for our small group right now… and we got off on some tangents that led me to thinking about stuff…

Did i really start a new and separate life when i became i believer? Yes i quit doing a lot of things that weren’t exactly good for me, and yes i’ve drastically changed the way i think in that. I think it was a process though, it wasn’t like “I believe in Jesus now let me cut ties with the bad in my life”. It definatly took time and a lot of pressure from certain people to change my thoughts on dating, guys and girls living together, premarital sex..all the things i never had an issue with in the past.  I am not saying it is my place to say how others should live, i’m staying that those things are no longer a part of MY life.

Did God have his hand on every situation i’ve been through? With out a doubt. My dad died… I’m still not over it… in fact i still haven’t deleted his phone numbers out of my cell phone and its been nearly 3 years. that situation helped me help other people. I acted out in ways that were risky after that and there is NO reason i’m not dead, or diseased other than the fact that God needed me here, and healthy for a reason. one i’m not quite sure of yet.. 

Do convictions evolve? I know mine did.  in the begining it was all about not drinking and making sure i WASN’T doing the things of my past. now, i know i can handle being in those situations again to an extent and my convictions are more about what i’m DOING.  I love the days where i can make someone random smile. I miss Boston. I wish i could be there when the church opened… I want to be there letting people know the doors are opening soon.  I’ve never had the want to evangelize before. 

Tuesday night sparked me like i hadn’t been all summer. I was content and even had a FIRE at work wednesday…. and today its just.. gone.  The anger is back, the sadness.. the lack of wanting to do anything…  and i don’t even know why..

Its easier to go back to the old back up plan than to make a concious decision to LIVE. but its an everyday battle… I don’t want to wake up and just function. i want to do things that MEAN something. now how do i translate that into action?

I’m not sure yet… I think this is going to take time, and its gonna break me… So be a friend, and if i ask for your help, be there?

I’ve been wanted to blog for a while but really don’t have anything to say. Nothing is new, Things are actually rather stagnant right now. I feel like i’ve settled into my life here and i’m kinda quit actually LIVING. I just.. am.I’m not saying thats a bad place to be on occasion, but for long periods of time it gets pretty annoying.

my kitten is driving me NUTS. i love her but if she doens’t quit eating the cords to my computer, phone and camera she just may have to find a new place of residence.

I missed the people who went to Ethiopia. and i feel like i didn’t have a reason to stay here after all. there was nothing that happened during that 5 weeks that was amazing or life altering like the trip would have been. I wish i didn’t second guess myself all the time… but in all actuality, me being home lead to a mental melt down… one that had i been over there would have been even worse i think. I also don’t think i’m ok from that yet, but i just… fake it i guess is the way to put it.

there was one night, a FFM where i didn’t want to be around people… particularly 2 of my friends who were here. so i spent the entire night in my room doing random stuff. and cassidy came in and talked with me. I couldn’t explain it. and i still can’t… but that day was one of the hardest i’ve faced without someone (a person) next to me.  My heart hurts so much because i KNOW i care more about people than they can for me. and i’ve been avoiding that hurt lately. seclusion.

So we’ve been back from Boston for almost 3 weeks.  I had SO much fun and got to know some people i knew of but didn’t know well (Shout outs to the Fellowship Redeemer Church Class of 2009!) We worked really hard and got some good progress on the church.  I learned how to replace windows and how to caulk them. It was such a rewarding week. 

Since then Theresa has left to spend 5 weeks in Ethiopia which should be amazing! and i cannot wait to hear about it.  A group of 13 went and  11 of them will be there for 5 weeks, the other 2 will be there for 2 weeks.  I think its sort of hard for me just because she and i do EVERYTHING togeher. she’s my coffee, grocery and everything else partner.  and now its just me.

Its not JUST me though, hannah’s around. Its just been when i haven’t been so far. =P I have the guys and girls too but no one i’m comfortable enough with to go shopping and whatnot. maybe i’m weird.

Our small group is  doing a summer of prayer. Its an in depth study on how to pray, the power of prayer.. that kind of stuff… also its a way to focus our prayer on other people! we also put in a prayer board in the living room! and it’s basically full between free food monday and our small group tuesday! its really cool! We split up the requests between the girls and each took on some.. hopefully we’ll hear praises out of some of those situations soon!

I’ve gotten the opportunity to talk to some people who haven’t been in my life much in the last year lately. one guy i’ve know since junior high and lives here but i haven’t seen him since before i moved 7 years ago… the other was a big part of my life in WA. and i’ve missed them. its really nice to talk with them and just kinda catch back up  on life.

Life has slowed down quite a bit from the norm. I love it, its kinda nice.  =)

I leave for Boston in like… 60 hours! and i’m getting NERVOUSLY EXCITED! all week i’ve kinda been a little hesitant  about the trip. not that i feel like i shouldn’t go or anything just the normal pre-trip worry. anywho, they make you give a copy of your testimony with the missions application and here’s what mine said:

I still think back on my past and wonder why I did all the stuff I did and I realize that I needed to be that person in that place at that time to be who I am here and now. I remember being at Sagemont as a kid, but when I moved away from my entire family at 16 it was a downward spiral. All the things you see on TV but pray your kids never do, see, or get involved in what so ever I’ve more than likely seen or done myself. The even bigger downward spiral started September 6, 2006. My dad passed away from multiple complications with diabetes, and a heart problem. This was the day before my twenty first birthday, the day drinking became legal for me. After that I spent a lot of time in one bar or an other, some mornings waking up and not knowing where I was… Almost a year later I got in a life changing car wreck where the man that hit me flew off his motor cycle and over my car. This was the first time I prayed since before my dad died. I didn’t want the family of that man to have to go through all the heartache and difficulty that we did a year earlier. I moved back to Houston September 6, 2007.

I came back to help my sister with her kids and get to know the family I hadn’t seen or talked to regularly in over 6 years. April 22, 2008 was the very last time I walked through the doors of a bar, and April 30 I went to Clarity.

I got asked about going to the Image conference my second week. It was less than 2 weeks later! I told them i’d see if I could get off work and go if I could. God’s hand was on that situation. I went and spent 3 days getting to know people I’d never seen. The Saturday of the conference one of the amazing girls I roomed with talked me through salvation, my baptism was this past September and that leads me up to today.

In the year since I’ve served in several areas of our church. I got involved with a girls small group fall semester of ‘08, and I’ve learned SO much from them. I also recently moved in with two of the girls from that very small group. We hostess many events throughout the week including Free Food Mondays, our own outreach to feed college students and the goal is to get them to bring non-believer friends so we can show them God’s love in a tangible way. God has blessed my life in an incredible way with the people, situations and overall beauty in everyday life. I learn something new everyday and am constantly working towards that truly intimate relationship with God that we read about in Crazy Love by Francis Chan all those months ago. I have no want or need to go back to the way things were for me. I fall more in love with God and the things HE is up to everyday.

Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. Philippians 4:6

I realized that in writing that how many people i’ve heard actual testimonies from… and its pretty small. SO! if you’re reading this i wanna hear your story!